GREAT LESSONS I LEARNED ABOUT BEING SORRY

January 24, 2024January 24, 2024 D.K. Sanz2 Comments

We learn a lot as we grow if we care to, and I owe a lot of what I learned to wise friends, twelve-step programs, books, and making mistakes.

Interaction with others hasn’t been easy for many of us. The recovery process, for me, has been a godsend. Take the business of making amends—learning to apologize from the heart and with grace. That requires allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. For some of us, that took time. It took a great deal of restraint for us to not be defensive and learn to apologize with no buts and no excuses. No “if” I offended you nonsense.

The actual words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” are essential, we discovered, as is telling the person what we’re apologizing for, and especially not saying, “for whatever it is you think I did.” It’s hard to sincerely apologize if we don’t have empathy for the person we’re apologizing to and an understanding of what we did and why it was wrong. A heartful and genuine apology includes acknowledging the offense, taking responsibility for it, and expressing our remorse.

I’m sure most of us have heard this: “I apologized to you; now, aren’t you going to apologize to me?” It’s not always as ridiculous as it sounds because, in many situations, this person was just as much at fault or more. Still, we’re there to clean up our side of the street, not start sweeping theirs. We’re there to give an apology, not get one.

And we don’t dictate the outcome. We have no control over that. We can’t make the person accept the apology. We don’t expect, let alone demand, insta-forgiveness.

As for being on the receiving end of an apology, that can be difficult, too.

When I was still very young, someone I’d been extremely close to invited me to her house for the weekend. We’d been estranged, and she wanted to make amends to me. She said I was first on her very long list.

My response to the words she had anxiously practiced was to hug her and tell her, “It’s okay.” I was good at that, telling people, “It’s fine. You have nothing to apologize for. Forget it.” First and foremost, I wanted to relieve her of her burden. I didn’t want her to feel bad.

Her response to me after the hug was, “I made amends, but I don’t feel better. Why don’t I feel better?”

“Because you haven’t forgiven yourself,” I told her.

Her eyes widened. “Really? Wow! I think you’re right.”

But I was only partly right. Sure, I had an open heart, which is always good, but I wasn’t honest because it wasn’t okay. None of it was okay, and, on some level, she knew that.

I couldn’t tell her I was devastated by much of what she did or that it completely shattered me. I didn’t say a word about how much it damaged me. Granted, I didn’t know then how long it would take to recover from the many ways I felt betrayed by her, but I was fully aware of how cruel she had been in her moments of desperation.

What I realize now is I didn’t know where she ended and I began. She and I had been bonded for life after the day she overdosed on pills, and I called an ambulance and then kept her awake until they arrived. The paramedics told me she would have died otherwise. But for many years, I had allowed myself to be corrupted by her influence, and to my own detriment, I would not betray her even when she trashed me, lied to me, and abandoned me. I somehow made myself responsible for her comfort, well-being, and happiness, always riding to her rescue. It wasn’t selfless either; I just never wanted to lose her. She knew that, and she counted on it. So, I also had a part in it that I didn’t acknowledge because I didn’t see it yet.

I’m not sure if I told her that I accepted her apology. In retrospect, it was something I very much appreciated and needed to hear, but I didn’t say that. I’m not even sure I heard much of what she said while apologizing. It’s clear to me now that I wanted to be anywhere but there in that room at that moment. I wanted the whole thing to be over and done with. So, I didn’t process it. In fact, I felt undeserving of her amends, and God help me if I were to make her feel guilty or worse.

Interestingly, if someone had asked me what I needed at the time, I wouldn’t have known and likely wouldn’t have cared. And, yet, I always knew exactly what she needed.

It occurs to me now that there was no resolution that day—only smiles and hugs, and let’s get on with the day. But martyrdom helps no one. There are unanswered questions. Is it going to be different now? How can we make it different?

Going forward, and as hard as I tried, I still didn’t fully trust her or feel safe with her. I just kept trying. So, the deep pain never really went away for either of us, and the healing process never began. We were never able to rebuild that relationship or restore that broken trust.

I must say that clarity is both a blessing and a curse, but I’d never want to go back to having so little of it.

HOPE FOR BROKEN DREAMS, BROKEN HEART

ImageJuly 2, 2023July 2, 2023 D.K. Sanz2 Comments

YOU ALWAYS HAD THE SHOES

June 3, 2023May 4, 2023 D.K. SanzLeave a comment

Grateful to Be Alive is now available in Kindle and Paperback.

Woman with red shoes image by MJ Jin from Pixabay

LOVE AND RESPECT FOR ALL HUMANKIND

May 27, 2023May 4, 2023 D.K. Sanz3 Comments

People say, “You can judge a man by how he treats his inferiors.” I say no! We don’t have inferiors! Some people have more apparent talent or money, better positions, fancier cars, higher functioning brains, or genes that make them appear more attractive, but there is no reason for anyone—and I do mean anyone— to hang on to an illusion of superiority.

There’s a lockstep mentality that passes from generation to generation. Parents teach bigotry, and, to many, their parents can never be wrong. With a subconscious or even conscious fear of not being accepted or not fitting in with their loved ones, these children embrace the ideologies passed on to them and, in doing so, form alliances that continue to reinforce them into adulthood.

In terms of religion, I never want to shut people down for believing or not believing what the various holy books say. I can’t dismiss the cherry-pickers seeking to find a safe middle ground. If a person has genuinely “lost their way,” they can find it again. I’ve met good, kindhearted people of just about every faith, so simply believing and practicing a religion isn’t the problem. People are entitled to their beliefs so long as they’re not committing or otherwise condoning crimes against humanity.

As someone who is fifty percent Latina, I’ve also experienced racism on a minor scale, and it gave me some idea of what it might be like for people who experience hate, discrimination, and oppression on a much larger scale. If you are a member of any group that is oppressed to one degree or another, you are acutely aware of the global and systematic imbalance. As a result, many of us have a pretty good idea of how terrorizing it can be when your rights are denied, or you’re not treated with the respect and dignity you deserve.

For me, opposing bigotry is not about being “politically correct.” Having empathy for others is simply correct. People go to war over bias and entitlement. They discriminate and violently target others based on the same. It becomes a case of “We hate the same faction, so it’s clear who the enemy is.”

It’s not about tolerance, either. There’s a lot of destructive and harmful behavior that I can’t and won’t tolerate. But who am I to merely “tolerate” a person’s ethnicity, sexuality, socioeconomic status, or religious philosophy? Those are things to be welcomed, not tolerated. I don’t want anyone’s rights to be denied any more than I’d want my own rights restricted. There was never a time when that did not feel inhumane to me.

Detractors are fond of saying that people who defend the rights of others who are denied whatever privilege they enjoy have a “savior complex.” When I first heard that, I allowed myself to ponder it for a bit, given that I’ve been speaking out against bigotry since I was twelve. It was instinctive then, and it’s instinctive now because I never wanted to live in a world where bigotry was normal. It never made a difference to me if people on either side were happy or unhappy about my stance.

It always made sense to me that you cannot know a person just because you’re aware of their race, ethnicity, religion, or sexuality. No group is perfect. You need to get to know individuals because we are all different.

For many people, when someone who is not like them hurts them, they postulate that it reflects on that group’s culture. They won’t consider their own people who’ve done the same thing or worse. Without having genuine relationships with the people from whatever culture they shun, their impression is based on limited experience. They go by stereotypes or by what they’ve read in the news or learned from TV.

I’ve experienced unprovoked attacks from people who did not look like me, but I’ve also been attacked by my “own” people, and although my worst experiences of sexual trauma were at the hands of white, Italian Catholic males, I’ve always known that not every white, Catholic Italian guy is that way. That same benefit of the doubt should be extended to people who belong to different groups.

Among the things I’d been taught, what truly stuck with me in life was the whole “love one another” thing. Yes, I really liked that part. Isn’t it a fundamental theme in all religions? No one is perfect, but if we can do better, we should. Life’s hard enough, and it helps if we cheer each other on along the way.

If we must keep influencing our children with our thoughts, let those thoughts be reminders that we are all divine, and divinity surrounds us, and in that way, we have much more power than we realize. We have that power for a reason. We don’t see everything yet, and we don’t know everything, but we are creating the future—the world we want to live in, and the world we will leave our children. We can keep evolving toward a much higher consciousness and create the idyllic world we envision.

I read something recently that said we should treat everyone as sacred until they begin to believe they are. That is the ideal way to live, isn’t it? It might solve many problems in our world, individually and collectively. I’d love to commit myself to that, to remind myself of that always.

So, whoever you are, you are beautiful! You are a divine creation and the very essence of love. Don’t let anyone take that away from you!

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.” —Nelson Mandela, former President of South Africa, political leader, philanthropist.

“If we accept and acquiesce in the face of discrimination, we accept the responsibility ourselves and allow those responsible to salve their conscience by believing that they have our acceptance and concurrence. We should, therefore, protest openly everything… that smacks of discrimination or slander.” —Mary McLeod Bethune, political activist, organizer, and educator.

Feature photo at the top by Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabona on Unsplash

“Make People Feel Loved Today” photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

THE WOUNDS LOVE WON’T HEAL

March 11, 2023March 11, 2023 D.K. Sanz2 Comments

I once had a habit of making excuses for people.

How many times can we try and try again, hoping things will be different? Sometimes, the people we think are ports in a storm turn out to be the rips in our sail.

The truth is, most of us have precarious relationships with others where we find ourselves setting or accepting boundaries to maintain that connection. Maybe it’s an intolerable behavior issue or substantial differences of opinion. There are situations, too, where people grow up with devastating trauma. Family members have different outlooks about what happened, maybe even different experiences. One may still feel the agony of the hurt they or someone else caused in doing what they felt was right. Things said may remind you of the pain they caused you or the pain you caused them.

These situations are loaded for the simple reason that you care about these people. If you didn’t, you could easily blow them off and never have anything further to do with them.

And sure, it’s painful. You wish things were different. It saddens us that there was so much good, and we cherish the memories to the point of tears. We may wonder, Can we ever get it back? If we did, would it ever be the same?

What I’ve found is, when considering forgiveness in any situation, a critical thing to decipher is, What really happened? Sorting out what’s true and what’s not is more important than appeasing others who need to deal with their own wounds. Their place in the healing process is different from ours. Denial has consequences for both parties, so did we play a part in the conflict? If so, what was it? We can take responsibility only for what we contributed to the falling out.

Maybe the falling out stemmed from an argument, someone else’s meddling, or someone’s denial. Perhaps it was because of lies and fragile egos, smear campaigns, and the rush to judgment.

Whatever it was, for any kind of resolution, both parties have to come to the table with an open mind. There must be a willingness to walk hand in hand through that minefield together. It’s hard because, quite often, the trust isn’t there any longer. And you have to be willing to trust someone to do that.

There’s a difference, too, between reaching out and setting a trap. We can’t be condescending or aim to “win.” We have to be genuine and sincere, let go of any bitterness or resentment, and respond only from a place of caring and love. You can have so much love for someone and still have to handle your interaction with them like you’re holding a piece of glass.

There are no-fly zones in these situations. Believe me, there was a time I’d have flown my plane right into that restricted zone and not for a moment realize the potential damage I’d cause to the relationship. I’d gotten used to a cycle of being hurt and fighting back. Sometimes, we are blinded by rage, and we keep hurling it at someone, but we don’t realize they’re bleeding, too.

These days, I think of what I might say in these circumstances and recognize how it could go wrong. Often, I decide I can say nothing. Or I wonder how to rectify a situation or resolve a conflict, and every way I might think to approach it, I see a flashing red light, and it’s just no. Don’t. You can’t. There’s a need to tread gently, take care.

Plenty of people out there can discern these situations, I’m sure, but many of us had to learn.

No doubt, it’s wonderful when the resolution of a conflict results in mutual forgiveness and a starting point for healing the relationship. At the same time, we can’t allow people to deny the reality of what we experienced, and we can’t accept their spin on it if it has no basis in truth. We don’t want to hear the justification for what cannot be justified, or for the other party to minimize the damage. We can’t let them guilt or shame us into keeping quiet or making concessions.

Sometimes, however, their message is clear. Maybe it’s always been clear, but it takes a while for us to accept. Their words and actions have repeatedly shown us they are not in our corner. They may not be against us, exactly, but they’re not for us either. They don’t respect us or our boundaries. They’re not concerned about our feelings. Nothing’s ever truly resolved in a relationship like that, and nothing changes.

We lost this person long ago, and it has already broken our hearts a thousand times. Is this someone we ever really had or truly knew? We lost the chance to dysfunction, and not even obligatory love and commitment could save it. It’s reached a point where suiting up and showing up simply hurt too much.

It hurts to admit when we’ve chosen someone or something that isn’t right for us, and when we’re trying to fit where we don’t belong.

And, for various reasons, not everyone is in a position where they can simply walk away. There may not even be a lot they can do to protect themselves or limit interaction. They may not be able to avoid participating in the drama.

Those of us who do walk away will often mourn what we couldn’t have. Some holes remain unfilled for us. Some stories will never be heard or told, and some scars won’t ever heal. We say goodbye with so much weight and with a burden too hard to hold. It’s more than sorrow. It’s grief. And you miss what you wanted that to be.

We can feel this profound grief even in walking away from people who weren’t that close to us because we feel like they should have been. Those ties were supposed to bind but didn’t. Instead, they turned out to be so weak that they broke a little more at every difference of opinion, each instance where we stood up for ourselves, or any time people looked at us and didn’t see themselves.

We certainly do a lot of grieving in life, and grieving does have its beauty. We can experience joy, happiness, sadness, and hurt; none are permanent states. These are moments that awaken us.

I’ve learned that the pain that follows in walking away is worth getting that toxicity out of your life. Even if they create a false narrative about you and make you out to be the devil incarnate, it’s still worth it. It will hurt less over time, or maybe it will always hurt a little, but you’ll be okay. You were brave enough to show up to this shitshow again and again. You tried to fit in. You tried to make it work. If it didn’t, well, love and acceptance await you elsewhere. In AA, I heard the slogan: You can’t heal in the same environment that made you sick. I believe that.

It’s important to realize we deserve to be happy. A few cherished loved ones are far better than dozens of people hanging on simply to make life difficult. We can’t fix or save everyone. We can’t always make things right.

To this day, there are people I’d love to drop a line to and ask how they’re doing or just to say, “I miss you.” One might ask themselves: What are safe topics we can discuss? Should we stick to a public forum in responding to one another rather than talking on the phone or by text? Can we support one another in ways that don’t involve us in their lives? I find these things helpful in dealing with others where caution may apply. It’s often the difference between reacting and responding. Realize you’re communicating with another vulnerable human being who likely has had their own trauma. They are not bulletproof.

As I’m sure everyone knows, you can love people to the moon and back even when your relationship with them is broken. You may forgive them and want the best for them while moving on without them. I’ve learned the best thing to do is keep sending them love and light, along with your inner hope for peace and the willingness for them to heal. I visualize it going to them in waves: I send you love. I wish you well. I wish you peace.

Sometimes, that’s all we can do. Even if you don’t buy into the “waves” thing, the exercise is intended to let go of any negative feelings.

Most importantly, though: We must forgive ourselves, as well. All we wanted was love.

*Excerpted from my forthcoming memoir, Grateful to Be Alive: My Road to Recovery from Addiction*

Heart/sand image by 愚木混株 Cdd20 from Pixabay

LOVE AS A WAY OF LIFE

February 5, 2023February 5, 2023 D.K. Sanz1 Comment

Some people may think unconditional love as a way of life means loving, supporting, befriending, and forgiving everyone in every instance. I see it as a general way to view other humans and a way of having compassion for those who struggle.

It doesn’t mean supporting or necessarily forgiving the behavior of those who intentionally seek to harm others. It doesn’t mean befriending those people.

Unconditional love is a blanket feeling, a way to interact and approach. It’s a way to work at your life’s passions. Overall, it’s a way of being—having an inclusive mindset, offering a welcome space, and relentlessly projecting love. ~D.K.

“People often ask me
what is the most effective technique
for transforming their life.
It is a little embarrassing
that after years and years of research
and experimentation,
I have to say that the best answer is—
just be a little kinder.”
Aldous Huxley

Feature image of heart with dove, earth by Stefan Keller from Pixabay

WHEN YOUR HEART IS BREAKING 😔

January 27, 2022 D.K. SanzLeave a comment

Image by Here and now, unfortunately, ends my journey on Pixabay from Pixabay

Feature photo by Felipe Galvan on Unsplash

TOUCHY FRIENDSHIPS: PROCEEDING WITH CAUTION AND CARE

December 7, 2021 D.K. Sanz2 Comments

I remember this story from about ten years ago.

A young college girl decided to track down her long-lost cousin. Their families hadn’t spoken to one another for over a decade, so she hadn’t seen or spoken to him since he was six years old. When she got him on the phone, she began the conversation by telling him that whatever his mother had told him about her family wasn’t true. She defended her family and told him he could visit them anytime.

All the guy wanted to do was shut her down. The assumptions she’d made infuriated him—that he didn’t know the truth, that he hadn’t witnessed any of what happened for himself, and that he’d be open to hearing someone trash the mother he loved.

She didn’t understand his anger. Instead, she blathered on, offending him more and more with every word. She was like I was once, rushing headlong into a minefield she didn’t have a clue how to navigate. The result was he never spoke to her again. That’s sad because they might have become friends.

While someone discussed this story with me, they called the situation between the cousins “loaded.” It came to mind recently when I thought about other loaded predicaments between people.

Sometimes the relationships are precarious for simple and obvious reasons, and one of you had to set boundaries. Maybe it’s an intolerable but understandable behavior issue or substantial differences of opinion. Maybe one of you is married and the other single. Perhaps one of you wants something the other can’t provide. Or you’re at odds with a friend of theirs or a family member and can’t defend yourself or your position without talking trash about the other person.

I once worked with someone recommended by a woman I admired tremendously. He was her partner. When he and I spoke on the phone, he eventually divulged very intimate details about their romantic relationship. He seemed to adore her, which was beautiful, but I didn’t think she’d like me knowing what he was telling me. It made me uncomfortable, so I suppose I put up some barriers, which made him uncomfortable. Suddenly, he used the withholding punishment—not keeping me updated about the project, dragging his feet on it, and ultimately not delivering quite what I’d expected. I used someone else for the next project, but there’s now a barrier between the woman who referred him and me. I have no idea what he told her, but the additional weight hampers any interaction with her, and I hate that.

It gets heavier than that. There are situations where people grow up with devastating trauma. Family members have different outlooks about what happened, maybe different experiences. One may still feel the agony of the hurt they or someone else caused in doing what felt right in their heart. Things said may remind you of the pain they caused you or the pain you caused them. There’s a lot of re-traumatization within the same dynamics or dealing with the family.

I believe it’s crucial to become fully aware of all this because situations aren’t loaded when you don’t care about the other person. You could easily blow them off and never have anything to do with them.

To this day, there are people I’d love to drop a line to and ask how they’re doing or just to say, “I miss you.”

You can have so much love for a person and at the same time have to handle your interaction with them like you’re holding a piece of glass.

There are no-fly zones.

And sure, it’s painful. You wish things were different. We grieve relationships like that. It saddens us that there was so much good, and we cherish the memories to the point of tears. We may wonder, can we ever get it back? If we did, would it ever be the same? Both parties have to come to the table with an open mind. There must be a willingness to walk hand in hand through that mine together. It’s hard because quite often, the trust isn’t there any longer. And you have to be willing to trust someone to do that.

Plenty of people out there can discern these situations, I’m sure, but many of us had to learn that. As I alluded to at the beginning of this post, there was a time I’d have flown my plane right into that restricted zone and not for a moment realize the potential damage I’d cause. I’d gotten used to a cycle of being hurt and fighting back. These days, I think of what I might say in these circumstances and recognize how it could go wrong.

Often, I decide I can say nothing. Or I wonder how to rectify a situation, resolve a conflict, and every way I might think to approach it, I see a flashing red light, and it’s just no. Don’t. You can’t. There’s a need to tread gently, take care.

One might ask themselves:

What are safe topics we can discuss? Should we stick to a public forum in responding to one another rather than talk on the phone or text? Can we support one another in ways that don’t involve us in their lives?

I find these things helpful in dealing with others where the cautions may apply:

It’s often the difference between reacting and responding. Realize you’re communicating with another vulnerable human being who likely has had their own trauma. They are not bulletproof. Sometimes we are blinded by rage, and we keep firing at someone, but we don’t realize they’re bleeding.

There’s a difference between reaching out and setting a trap. We can’t be condescending. We may feel we’re in a better place or farther along in our healing, and it may or may not be accurate, but it doesn’t matter. We all have our paths to walk and on our timetable. It goes in that “Not all who wander are lost” category..

It helps to be genuine and sincere under these circumstances, to let go of any bitterness or resentment, and respond only from a place of caring and love. It’s heartbreaking, and it’s tragic, but we can accept it and be grateful these individuals are still in our lives in whatever capacity. We can still love them with all our hearts and send that love to them whenever possible.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Feature Photo by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

UNMERCIFUL: A POEM FROM MY NEW BOOK

November 14, 2021 D.K. Sanz1 Comment

My body was a useless entity.

In your presence, it betrayed me.

Like dangerous waters beckoning

In their mystifying beauty.

Their tantalizing fluidity caressed my body

As I resisted taking the plunge.

My body betrayed me,

Ignored me like a preoccupied stranger

With a will of its own.

And, I cruelly learned,

I could control what happened

Only if you were merciful.

But, watching you,

Listening to you,

Was not merciful.

It was a torturous joy.

Feature image above by Stefan Keller from Pixabay

“Unmerciful” is from Awake with the Songbirds Available on Amazon.com

LETTING GO (WITH ❤️LOVE FOR YOU)

September 11, 2021September 9, 2021 D.K. Sanz2 Comments

Did you know you could die?

Did you want to die, or simply not care?

All that bravado,

A hellion in rebellion,

But you knew things.

And, everything you said was true.

We smoked in the factory corridor,

Played ball in the streets.

Through summer school and Nok Hockey,

You were everything.

Just like those caramel nut sundaes at Klees

And the old rooster we cried for.

You taught me to be tough

And gave the best advice.

Looking after me

When it wasn’t your job.

You needed your space,

Your own place.

You didn’t need a pesty shadow

Like me.

I didn’t understand.

We all loved you.

At least, I thought I loved you—

But I couldn’t see you then.

Ghosts can be so many things.

Whatever haunts you.

And, sometimes, what brings you

A silent joy and blessed peace,

You can’t share it with anyone

But the one who shares it with you.

I see you now.

And, so, I released you

When you needed to go.

Like a balloon to the sky.

Or a butterfly,

Or one of those Wish-niks

You and I loved to cling to.

I do love you now,

And I’ll keep sending love to

Wherever you are.

The memories—

I’ll cherish them forever.

And, I hope you forgive me,

As I do you.

Be happy!

Keep shining!

You always did amaze me.

Letting Go from Awake with the Songbirds by Kyrian Lyndon

Photo of sisters in hammock by Janko Ferlič at Unsplash

Photo of rebel woman by Tibi_Varzaru from Pixabay

Photo of caramel nut sundae by chotda on Flicker

Photo of ghost girl by Enrique Meseguer from Pixabay

Photo of red balloon in window by Alfons Schüler from Pixabay

Photo of dandelions by InspiredImages from Pixabay

BEST FOR ALL OF US TO DO THIS TOGETHER

August 30, 2021 D.K. Sanz4 Comments

As one of those people who believe kindness is a key to survival and, yes, empathy and love, I see that as more evident now than it ever was.

Once upon a time, I worked in a hospital where nurses, children, and hemophiliacs were testing positive for HIV along with heterosexuals who got it from an infected partner. People were saying that quarantining the infected was the solution. Of course, they believed it affected only drug addicts, gay people, sex workers, etc. Some decided it was God’s wrath.

I think most of us agree that law-abiding people with addictions, afflictions or different sexual preferences and ethnicities do not deserve punishment or anyone’s wrath. It’s just the opposite. They’re entitled to the same rights and to be treated with equal dignity and respect. We embrace them and love them for who they are because they’re as worthy of that as we are.

But when HIV was the biggest concern, I heard people say that quarantining the infected was the solution. They, including our leaders, saw no need to aggressively fight the spread of HIV because they didn’t think their own communities could be affected.

Now, here we are with COVID. Many people who might have thought it was an excellent idea to quarantine people back then are talking about their freedom not to wear a mask or get vaccinated. At a time when the disease seemed to affect minorities they’d deemed undesirable, they didn’t question the government or the existence of a pandemic. They somehow found methods of complying with safer sex.

Meanwhile, I guarantee those people infected with HIV would have loved to get vaccinated if it meant the disease going away or not being transmissible. I’m sure most of them willingly did what doctors asked them to do to prevent the spread of this disease.

Thanks to scientists and the gay community who fought tooth and nail for help, effective drugs came along, making HIV no longer a death sentence. Many of those infected live normal lives with the virus and achieve an undetectable status where they can’t infect others.

So, what is the thing about COVID that people suddenly want to be so defiant? I’m sure they’d be outraged if anyone tried to quarantine them or discriminate against them the way they did people with HIV or AIDS. And COVID is so much easier to transmit than HIV. Why would they not, at least, wear a mask?

With all I’ve seen throughout my life, I firmly believe this is not a thing to fool around with, and ego/pride is not anyone’s friend in this sort of crisis.

Please, please, everyone, be safe!

AWAKE WITH THE SONGBIRDS: POETRY BOOK WRITTEN DURING THE LONG COVID PANDEMIC

June 24, 2021June 25, 2021 D.K. Sanz4 Comments

COMING IN EARLY JULY

This collection consists primarily of poems written during the COVID-19 pandemic, a time of loneliness and rumination.

Lyndon’s poetry stems from intense emotions that swing from one end of the pendulum to the other as she captures the agony of love and loss, along with innocent joy and lighthearted fun.

Each poem is an earnest response to life, love, and everything in between.

Here is one poem in the collection.

SAME OLD NEIGHBORHOOD

The neighborhood hasn’t changed,

But the draperies on the windows have been swept aside.

We see you.

Telling someone to go back to where they came from,

To the place where they had no voice

And no choice.

That place where they were beaten,

Neglected and shamed,

Where they never felt safe,

Never had a chance.

Oh, they’d love to go home,

But, home isn’t home anymore.

The neighborhood hasn’t changed,

But, the fanfaronade has consequences.

We hear you.

It’s not just words.

It’s not simply freedom.

It’s a weapon to harm and destroy.

To punish those who aren’t the same.

People just like you commit horrific crimes,

But you don’t identify them

Only with crimes because they mirror you.

People just like you hurt you and fight you and hate you

But, you don’t see them all as threatening because they are you.

The neighborhood hasn’t changed,

But, many more of us want to live here only in peace.

You can make that happen.

So many beautiful people I’ve known in my life

Were those people you rejected,

And they were full of warmth and kindness and wisdom.

You don’t see them because they’re not the same.

The neighborhood hasn’t changed,

And neither has any divine love for all who live here.

Like you, we are sacred.

All is sacred every moment of every day.

WHAT READERS SAY

“She has the ability to convey to the reader some of the most complex thoughts into words that truly reach our hearts.”— Love Books
“Her lyrical voice speaks with careful observation and passion. In the narrative mode, she is masterful in reading life around her. Kyrian possesses the sensitivity, insight, and soul of the true poet. Her writing provides a primer on how to compose meaningful poetry.”—Lou Jones

***

Please let me know if you are interested in obtaining an advanced review copy or if you’d like me to notify you about any upcoming giveaways. There will be a few chances to win a copy in the forthcoming months!

Happy Reading!

THE WORLD NEEDS TO BE FULL OF LOVE 🥰

April 10, 2021April 10, 2021 D.K. Sanz1 Comment

“The rationale seems to be that we keep people as victims by validating them, empathizing with them, and fighting alongside them for equality and the dignity they deserve. I don’t think people are kept down by that. I believe what keeps people down is the constant dismissal of their pain, the degradation, the humiliation, the fear of injustice, and the continuous crushing of their will, their faith, and their hope. This type of oppression kills the self-esteem people need to empower themselves.” ― Kyrian Lyndon

“The world is getting too small for both an Us and a Them. Us and Them have become codependent, intertwined, fixed to one another. We have no separate fates, but are bound together in one. And our fear of one another is the only thing capable of our undoing.” ― Sam Killermann

First image by danielaceronmarin10 from Pixabay

Second image by Anderlane Andie from Pixabay

Third image by John Hain from Pixabay

DID YOU SAY GET MARRIED, LOVE?

February 20, 2021February 20, 2021 D.K. SanzLeave a comment

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” – Khalil Gibran

***

I’m about a week late for Valentin’s Day, I know, but things got hectic.😄

Anyway, let’s talk about weddings and marriage.

Marriage affords you all kinds of rights, privileges, and benefits, right? My son says it’s a bribe that gets the government more taxpayers and soldiers— the assumption being that married couples will procreate. Of course, it’s what they hope. Only decades ago, young, fertile women had a tough time getting a tubal ligation procedure. Doctors willing to perform it would not do so without her husband’s permission. There are people who’d still deny you birth control if they could.

Naturally, too, divorce comes with consequences. Some women wore that “divorcee” label like a scarlet letter disgrace. Real-life Alan Harpers support luxurious lives for partners who kick them out while they can’t afford even a decent life for themselves. I’m sure there are situations where people deserve their downfall, but it’s often wholly unwarranted.

Even a young widowed female is often judged harshly as a single parent as if she had any choice in the matter. I can attest to that. Other mothers are wary of you, often not even knowing how you ended up a single parent. All they know is you don’t seem to have a husband, and though you don’t deserve to be penalized for that, no matter the reason, they prefer the company of other married women. Your child gets ostracized in the process.

Oh, don’t worry, I fixed all that when my son was in the first grade by baking chocolate chip cheesecakes for the school’s annual food festival. The moms and teachers couldn’t resist that cake. 😉 And my son remedied it, as well, by being funny and smart. Eventually, we made many friends, but society is far more comfortable with the traditional norms.

Admittedly, I love the idea of marriage and being someone’s wife but not necessarily its reality.

Similarly, you can include me among those who love the “idea” of a wedding. As for being the center of attention on an anxiety-filled day of continuous pressure, no, thank you, but you go ahead; I’ll watch.

FANTASY vs. REALITY

When I was a little girl, I told my mother I’d never get married—that I was going to be so busy, I wouldn’t have time to be anyone’s wife. At the same time, I was enchanted by the classic Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Cinderella and madly in love with Prince Charming. He sang:

Do I love you because you’re beautiful,

Or are you beautiful because I love you?

It was a fascinating dilemma for my underdeveloped brain. That song and others from that musical are still on my iPod.

So, I am at least somewhat sentimental, don’t you agree? To be honest, I posted the live performance of “Marry You” above not only because I like the song but because Bruno Mars reminds me of my first “real” boyfriend.

But do me a favor now. Picture your fantasy of an ideal wedding. Got that picture in mind? All right, well, in my family, one wedding reception ended with both male and female cousins entangled in a brawl with people at the wedding next door. One male cousin pulled out a gun. The other (male) went crashing into the ladies’ room mirror in search of someone to fight. At another reception, two of my middle-aged cousins rolled around on the floor, fighting for the bride’s tossed bouquet. And then there was the time the priest stopped the ceremony to wait for my father to finish loudly explaining to his grandson (my son) how to use his new camera. 😮

But there are the moments that move you, for sure. I got all teary-eyed once as someone I’d known my entire life proceeded to the altar with the man she wouldn’t give up on no matter how tough the road got. They are divorced now, and I can’t say I blame her, but you get the idea.

OH, BUT THE BEAUTY OF IT ALL!

What I do love is the planning of a wedding. Of course, I love to plan. I am a novelist. No, I wouldn’t want a job planning weddings, but I’d get psyched creating a dream wedding to marry off my characters— unique destinations, gorgeous flowers, creating an ambiance, picking out cake. I love cake! (Maybe you remember that from above.) And then the music for the special dances and the party! The poet in me comes alive with music, and my emotions are all over the place. Laugh, cry, dance, sing—it’s all good. I’m a fan of all kinds of music, including classical wedding music, which I also have on my iPod.

And you know what else is beautiful?

The devoted couples who happily grow old together. Yep, it’s all so beautifully romantic. I have the utmost respect for the men and women who’ve decided on the person they want to spend forever with rather than continue to look elsewhere for ego gratification. Since childhood, I’d witnessed so much willingness, even eagerness, to be unfaithful. What makes life magical is the bond between people and everything they create together.

(This playlist includes some of my favorite classical music for weddings.)

So, what did I do when I finally got married, you ask?

My fiancé and I went to a judge’s house on Long Island. It was just the two of us, the judge and the judge’s wife, and we couldn’t help laughing like school kids that we were getting married, but it was perfect. I cherished every moment.

He was a kindred spirit that I treasured with all my heart, and the desire or willingness to replace him has yet to come. I liked being married to him, well, most of the time. I also wanted to be spoken for in that there was less explaining to do when I had to say no to an advance. What I liked even more than that was the ultimate realization that you don’t need to explain. 😉

For lyrics to this song (because I love the lyrics), go here.

Gladiatrix fight photo by Hans Splinter

HAPPY SURVIVAL: THE TRUTH ABOUT LIFE AFTER TRAUMA

December 26, 2018January 26, 2019 D.K. Sanz4 Comments

People run from life in many ways. We can want a hug so desperately and yet recoil from it. We can crave love more than anything and build fortresses to keep it away. There’s this idea that the more bridges we burn, the harder it will be to go back to the things that caused us pain. Sometimes, that is true, but, at the same time, we keep looking for that place where we belong, and, in some situations, trying almost too hard to fit in, until we accept, with a great deal of shame, that we need to move on. Reaching out to people is overwhelming and terrifying, but we try it, and when we feel unheard, we vanish again. So many goodbyes––until we don’t want to do the relationship thing anymore or the intimacy thing or ask anyone for help or love or whatever the hell we need. Intimacy doesn’t seem worth any of that, and we lose interest. We shut down, close our doors for business, and thrive in our safe, predictable worlds.

We wonder if we are crazy, but people tell us only sane people question their sanity. Sometimes we think we’re monsters, but we come to learn that monsters feel no guilt, no shame, and no love. We do love, from a distance and we absorb the world’s pain.

In my twenties and beyond, I kept changing my name, my hair color, my address, my phone number, my job–you name it. It was as if I couldn’t run fast enough, couldn’t hide in a safe enough place. Without realizing it, I was running away from the trauma of childhood and teen years.

At some point in the healing process, something tells you that you don’t need to hide anymore. You don’t need to run, so you try not to. What’s unsettling is how far you can come in your healing and still get thrown back there in a heartbeat.

Progress can seem slow, but it keeps happening. I’m not a patient person, but I’ve learned to be patient about healing. I’ve had to, and I love healing because I’ve reaped its rewards. Often, I look back and ask myself, “How did I survive, being such an idiot for most of my life?” That may seem harsh, but in light of how far I’ve come, it makes sense. We can’t fix what we don’t know is broken. We can’t benefit from learning the truth about ourselves until we feel safe in rejecting the lies.

As survivors, we want this healing for everyone while needing to learn, too, that people are only ready when they’re ready. And it’s painful when we love people who need desperately to heal but remain trapped in their fear. Sometimes we wish we could absorb every bit of their agony; even it means holding on to all of it ourselves because we know we can handle it. We have.

We can’t get stuck in that inability to forgive either. It’s understandable because we witness so much unnecessary cruelty toward ourselves and others, and we don’t know what to do with that. For instance, how do you come to terms with the fact that someone willfully tried to destroy another person, or that person’s reputation, or his or her life, that they did everything in their power to annihilate another human being?

What I realized, quite a long time ago, is that revenge and punishment are not up to me. Divine retribution happens without the least bit of my help—no matter how we interpret divinity and even if we are divinity in the sense that we represent it in the universe. It works that way because we can’t destroy people without destroying ourselves. If it’s destruction we want, it’s destruction we’ll get, and it’s never one-sided.

A better solution is to keep following our path and goals and let go of the burdens people give us to hold. The weight comes from feelings of not belonging or being worthy and accepted as we are. It comes from others mischaracterizing us or our actions to suit their agendas and punishing us for not being who they need us to be, not wanting what they require us to want.

We have to find our own happily ever after. It’s undoubtedly not the same for everyone, and that’s another place we can get stuck—wanting what we don’t have and realizing it’s not even what we want but what we think we’re supposed to want and have. Most people want to find that special someone, get that dream house and job. From the time I was eight years old, what I wanted was different—maybe, in some ways, the opposite of what everyone else wanted. It took me a while to realize that I have everything I’d ever wanted or needed in my life and, while I may have moments of feeling sad for another or sad for the world, I am happy.

One thing I’ve always known is to never give up. It does get better, a little at a time, but it gets so much better. Our survival not only gives hope to others but sharing our experiences allows us to help in their healing. We help each other, yes, and we give each other the love that’s been so hard for us to ask for or accept.

I’m not a religious type, but the prayer below has always been my favorite. It can certainly get you through it. ❤️

Feature photo credit: unsplash-logoSaffu

ANNOUNCEMENT! NEW MAGAZINE!

October 15, 2018May 26, 2020 D.K. Sanz6 Comments

Brave Wings is a new online magazine that focuses on the human condition—whatever we experience in life that helps us learn, grow, and evolve. Sharing perspectives about healing and empowerment can be exciting and helpful, but we also want to provide entertainment and fun while sharing the beauty of creativity.

Some of the topics we will cover:

Adversity, anxiety, artist(s), authors, books, writing (editing tips and experiences), childhood, classic literature, codependency, compassion, creativity, depression, dreams, ego, evolving, feeling unworthy, fiction pieces and excerpts, fun, giving back, gratitude, grief, growing, healing, hope, humanity, humility, humor, inspiration, interviews, judgment, learning, letting go, life, loss, love, mental health, narcissism, oppression, panic attacks, parenting, passion, poetry, politics, prejudice, reading and reviews, recovery from addiction and trauma, relationships, religion, romance, sadness, self-sabotage, self-care and self-love, shame, stigma, stress, and tolerance.

For entertainment, we are interested in short stories and book series (all genres). We’re interested in humor.

For creativity, we may be interested in photos, handmade products, something that showcases your talent.

Content for submission will include blogs, videos, audios, slideshows, and photographs. Please see the submissions page for instructions on how to submit!

We will not pay for submissions at this time. However, we will always share your work on our social media sites, and we encourage all contributors to share magazine contents submitted by others on their social media sites. Helping one another with exposure is what will make this site work.

In addition, we will provide the following for all contributors to the magazine:

A listing in the contributor section, where more information (links, etc.) will be added with each contribution. The most frequent contributors may also have a few of their books, products, or recommendations in the listing.

The opportunity by contributors to submit news that provides opportunities for artistic communities, as well as their own business events and significant personal news, all of which we will share on our social media sites.

Access to the chat room (as a moderator, if they prefer), and the ability to hold monitored topic meetings to promote their talent/business.

For those privileges, you must be a regulator contributor. There are no deadlines. However, you must have contributed at least twice with acceptance and publication.

We do intend to have a community that includes a discussion forum and chat room where we can present topics hosted by contributors.

Our Announcement page will provide news of available opportunities within the artistic communities, including contests and contributor events.

We will post book reviews that are submitted by contributors, but we don’t assign books for review.

We will post interviews by our contributors if they are relative to our platform. If you feel you are a good candidate for an interview, contact us at submissions@bravewingsmag.com.

If this venture is a success, we may eventually monetize and pay for content.

For those interested in getting involved, we may also need editors, site moderators, group moderators, page moderators, etc. who will have contributor status. Those most involved will be given domain e-mail addresses for the magazine. We have four more available, so if you love this idea, the opportunity is there to get as involved as you’d like.

Another thing I’m tossing around is whether we’ll have a group or newsletter for interested parties, so please, please, weigh in with your thoughts about everything! All suggestions are welcome!

Please visit our site at Bravewings.mag.com, and feel free to follow or subscribe.

Please like us on Facebook and connect with us on Twitter!

Photo by KH Koehler Design

LAST WORD

August 12, 2018September 13, 2020 D.K. SanzLeave a comment

You made me laugh,
And I forgot all the tears.
You helped me up,
And I forgot the times
You let me down.
You were hatred,
Just as surely as
You were love.
You were everything right
And everything wrong—
Humility and
Defiance,
Cruelty
And kindness,
Approval and
Contempt.
You were everything
And nothing.
I had to let you go,
And it freed me.
Still, I’m sad,
For I know
Who you might have been.
I know you so well…
But you do not know me. – Kyrian Lyndon
from Remnants of Severed Chains

Book cover design by Jah Kaine via jerboa Design Studios.com

Feature header photo by ara ghafoory @araghafoory

BEFORE YOU FORGET AGAIN: YOU ARE AN AMAZING TRIUMPH!

April 11, 2018May 26, 2020 D.K. SanzLeave a comment

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The robin in your tender heart
Hungers for the red berry
That titillates your tongue.
She carols as the snow falls—
And not with the chorus of the dawn
In radiant spring.
What might have been?
Your voice silenced,
The spirit of you
Destroyed,
I see glimpses of your fire
From the light that has vanished
From your eyes.

Your wings soar,
Only not to follow
Your heart.
And your heart is that of
A child,
Deeply vulnerable,
Precious,
So sensitive,
And sweet.
You inspire me
To change my perspective
With your unique vision
Of the world.
You shine with your brilliance,
And you don’t know.
Your bursts of laughter
Make me smile.
As always, you are the light
In my darkness;
Your spirit is the fire I feel
In the sun’s warmth.
You were the dawn of my awakening,
And the splendor of my dreams.

And I have cried
For your heart
More than I have ever cried
For my own.
I am torn apart by
The intensity of your pain.
It is profound sadness
I feel,
When I think I’ve reached you
And then hit another wall…
Hard.

I fear losing you forever
To your grief,
As I grieve, too,
For the subtleties
And cues
You don’t understand.
Avoiding the eyes of others …
Your intense frustration
In trying to get it right,
And thinking you have it all wrong.

You have it right,
So right—
Always did,
Always will.
I only wish you could know
The joy
Of being free.

The tentative smiles,
The looks of uncertainty,
Prompt me to tell you,
You got this.
You’ll be fine.
Whatever the passion,
Let it burn.
It will save you.

Retrieve every shattered fragment
Of your soul.

Accept it,
Embrace it,
Bless it with your peace.
Give it mighty and glorious wings,
And let it fly where it leads
Without fear,
Into the twilight of an infinite sky.

Be happy,
Shine,
Glow.
Love,
Dance,
Sing.
Celebrate yourself
And don’t stop singing
Your life’s song.
The song is your vision,
Your passion;
It belongs to you.
Without it,
You wither and die.

Don’t you, for one moment,
Let anyone crush your beautiful spirit.

Know, too, those who have crushed you
Have been crushed.
Those who pain you have been pained.
Still, you can rise again,
Become completely alive again
And shine on,
Just as you did before all the hurt began.

You are not defective,
My dear one,
Not a burden,
Nor do you struggle alone.
I’m here with you.
I will always be with you.
You are
In every way
Beautiful.
Though you don’t see that,
And you never have.
I just love you.

SHADOWS OF MY SOUL by Kyrian Lyndon

January 3, 2018September 13, 2020 D.K. Sanz2 Comments

SHADOWS OF MY SOUL

Reality to me is the dusk,
Prevalence in the shadows.
It is cloaking,
Grasping,
Discerning
In a world of darkness.
It is torment.
It is restraint.
The beauty of the peaceful lull amid the
Trees just before sunrise
Lies in contrast with the hazy tumult of my
Self-inflicted tomb.
I am in awe of every vision.
I bask in the passion of every caress.
Every bit of air I breathe is a godsend.
I could listen with the stillness of the ocean
Before daybreak
To the waves amid a blue-violet sky.
I could dance with flair and gaiety to the music
With a glow that illuminates me.
There is no one else I’d rather be—
Unless it were to love you.
You are all that I crave.

JUST THINK NOW: IS IT LOVE OR OBSESSION?

January 16, 2017July 30, 2017 D.K. Sanz2 Comments

Some people have the discernment required in connecting with others. Many, despite their intelligence, self-sufficiency, and well-meaning hearts often find themselves in unhealthy relationships.

There was a time that I, too, lacked that discernment. I had to learn the hard way never to ignore the following.

1) Red Flags Waving

We witness behavior that raises an eyebrow, things we don’t ordinarily condone. It could be cruel, inappropriate, abusive, or manipulative behavior toward another, derogatory remarks, infidelity, and lack of boundaries or respect for boundaries. Sometimes a person admits to being a jerk, a bastard, or a bitch, and our first instinct is to contradict and thereby comfort them. Sometimes we think because a person can be sweet and charming to us, we are the exception, the chosen one who will make it all better. We’re not, and we won’t.

2) The Pedestal

Our perception of this person goes from one extreme to another. He or she walks on water or is a monster. We have defined who they are—essentially, a paragon of the ideal. We decided beforehand how they should behave and respond. It’s not reality-based, and it’s not love. It is obsession—a persistent and disturbing preoccupation with an unreasonable idea. What we’re feeling has nothing to do with that person. We can’t love someone we don’t see. They are no more than a channel for what we need. An obsession is an addiction. It distorts our perception and impairs judgment. It comes with denial and control patterns that become manipulation. There is no direct communication about needs and desires. Resentments build, fester, and then erupt into anger. When reality kicks in, it is a long tumble for that person up on the pedestal to the ground. Unrealistic expectations create devastating disappointment.

3) Unnecessary risks

We are willing to compromise ourselves and our well-being when we don’t have to and sometimes the safety and well-being of others. We may rush headlong into a physical relationship with little knowledge and a good measure of denial instead of awareness, education, and caution.

4) Compromised principles

There is unwilling compliance to avoid wrath and rejection. We find ourselves continually compromising our principles and lowering our standards.

5) The Stranger in the Mirror

We don’t recognize ourselves. We don’t like who we are in this situation or relationship, or we don’t like who we are becoming or the way we feel, act or think. We were never this whiny, this controlling, this hurt, this confused. We sometimes feel like a basket case. At the same time, we have an unbalanced self-esteem. We feel the other person could not possibly want to live without us, even while we find it increasingly difficult to live with ourselves.

6) Goals On Hold

The relationship distracts us from our goals or seems to have replaced them. It happens in new relationships, but if we are unable to get back on track or have abandoned our dreams entirely, it’s a problem.

7) Confusion and More Confusion

We don’t know what to believe because our judgment and perception remain clouded.

8) Way Too Much Stress

We are not taking care of business or ourselves. We may feel more paranoid, more OCD, more anxious. People have a lot to work through in relationships. Stress is normal, but constant stress that renders our lives unmanageable is not.

9) Bondage Without Leather & Chains or That Monkey On Your Back

We try to fight it. We want to be free of this person. At the same time, we want nothing and no one to come between that person and us. We may isolate to have more time to focus on our obsession. When what we want dangles before us, we can’t resist. When deprived of it, we are sick—mentally, emotionally, sometimes physically. We may feel we cannot be honest about this relationship or situation with anyone including ourselves. We continue to want the same thing from this individual not realizing that after a while, we don’t enjoy it, and maybe we never did, yet we still need it. The moments of comfort and bliss are fleeting. A feeling of emptiness prevails. It causes agonizing pain for us. We may feel as if we are in bondage because we are. At times, we can’t stand up for ourselves because we are somehow at a disadvantage and at the mercy of our obsession.

Here is the question to ask, what is the payoff? Because there is one. An issue we likely didn’t know we had made us vulnerable in this situation. We were addicted to at least one thing this liaison was getting for us, and it’s doing a lot more harm than good.

Love, on the other hand, is good, but to feel comfortable when loving and receiving love in return, we must know we are worthy. Getting to that place opens another door in the journey of our recovery from past trauma and emotional abuse. Beyond it, more beauty awaits and more joy.

Nine Inch Nails: The Perfect Drug (1997) from Nine Inch Nails on Vimeo.

9 Warning Signs That You Are In A Dangerous Relationship

What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways to Be Good to Yourself

VALENTINE’S DAY — A BEAUTIFUL TRIUMPH FOR LOVE

February 13, 2016February 19, 2017 D.K. Sanz4 Comments

I always made jokes about Valentine’s Day. Aside from getting heart-shaped boxes of chocolate in scarlet red, what could you do on Valentine’s Day that you couldn’t do any other day?

Then again, it sort of celebrates love, and while you can celebrate love every day, and I do, what’s wrong with another excuse to get all mushy and sweet? Besides, life becomes more and more precious, along with every good thing in it, so bring it on.

Let’s start with music. I put together my first YouTube playlist (took forever), and these are some of my picks for the most beautiful, most romantic songs of all time. It was a labor of love for me. If I couldn’t get paid to write all day, I’d love to get paid for listening to music.

Click the menu (those three little lines in the upper left corner) to see the list. I could have added more songs, but I know you don’t have all day. Or do you? 😉

Please feel free to make suggestions, too, in the comment box here or on Facebook where the post appears.

And, of course, words without music can be beautiful, too.

I’ll include some poetry at the end, but what about books or movies that are perfect for the occasion? Here’s my list but, again, please feel free to make suggestions.

Wuthering Heights
Casablanca
Gone with the Wind
Sleepless in Seattle
Pride and Prejudice
Dirty Dancing
Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Love Story
Ghost
His Girl Friday
An Affair to Remember
Singing in the Rain
Last Tango in Paris
Mahogany
Love & Basketball
Bonnie and Clyde
Cyrano de Bergerac
Lady Chatterley’s Lover
Anna Karenina
A Tale of Two Cities
Rebecca
The Count of Monte Cristo

“Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.”―Khalil Gibran

“Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.”―François VI de la Rochefoucault

“How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said.”―Victor Hugo

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you … I could walk through my garden forever.”― Alfred Tennyson

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” ― Anaïs Nin

“The very first moment I beheld him, my heart was irrevocably gone.”― Jane Austen, Love and Friendship

“Thus with a kiss I die.”―William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

Yummly Valentine’s Day Dinner Ideas
Romantic Dinners for Two
Date Night Dinner Recipes
Incredible Chocolate Dessert Recipes

Happy Home Fairy’s Fun Games to Play for Valentine’s Day
Kids Cooking Valentine’s Day Recipes

LOVE OR ADDICTION?

June 1, 2015June 1, 2015 D.K. Sanz5 Comments

Some people are fortunate to have the discernment required in connecting with others. Many, despite their intelligence, self-sufficiency, and well-meaning hearts find themselves in unhealthy relationships. I see it happening often.

Based on experience, I offer these warning signs.

Red flags have been waved and ignored.

We witness behavior that raises an eyebrow, things we don’t ordinarily condone. It could be cruel, inappropriate, abusive, or manipulative behavior, derogatory remarks, infidelity, and lack of boundaries or respect for boundaries. Sometimes a person admits to being a jerk, a bastard, or a bitch, and our first instinct is to contradict and thereby comfort them. Sometimes we think because a person can be sweet and charming to us, we are the exception, the chosen one who will make it all better. We’re not.

Someone is on a pedestal.

Your perception of this person goes from one extreme to another. He or she walks on water or is a monster. You have defined who they are—essentially, a paragon of the ideal. You decided beforehand how they should behave and respond. It’s not reality based, and it’s not love. It is obsession—a persistent and disturbing preoccupation with an unreasonable idea or feeling. What you’re feeling has nothing to do with that person. You can’t love someone you don’t see. They are no more than a channel for what you need. An obsession is an addiction. It distorts our perception and impairs judgment. It comes with denial and control patterns that become manipulation. There is no direct communication about needs and desires. Resentments build and fester then erupt into anger. When reality kicks in, it is a long tumble for that person up on the pedestal to the ground. Unrealistic expectations create devastating disappointment.

Unnecessary risks are taken.

You are willing to compromise yourself and your well-being when you don’t have to and sometimes the safety and well-being of others. You may rush headlong into a physical relationship with little knowledge and a good measure of denial instead of awareness, education, and caution.

Principles are compromised.

There is unwilling compliance to avoid wrath and rejection. You find yourself continually compromising your principals and lowering your standards.

You don’t recognize yourself.

You have an unbalanced self-esteem. You feel the other person could not possibly want to live without you. At the same time, you don’t like who you are in this situation or relationship. You don’t like who you are becoming or the way you feel, act or think. You were never this whiny, this jealous, this possessive, this hurt, this confused. You sometimes feel like a basket case.

The relationship impedes your progress.

The relationship distracts you from your goals or seems to have replaced them. It happens in new relationships, but if you are unable to get back on track or have abandoned your dreams entirely, it’s a problem.

You are often confused.

You don’t know what to believe because your judgment and perception remain clouded.

It’s stressing you out.

Eating and sleeping patterns may have changed. You are not properly taking care of business or yourself. You may feel more paranoid, more OCD, more anxious. People have a lot to work through in relationships. Stress is normal, but constant stress that renders your life unmanageable is not.

You feel like you are in bondage.

You try to fight it. You want to be free of this person. At the same time, you want nothing and no one to come between you. You may isolate to have more time to focus on your obsession. When what you want is dangled before you, you can’t resist. When deprived of it, you are sick—mentally, emotionally, sometimes physically. You may feel you cannot be honest about this relationship or situation with anyone including yourself. You continue to want the same thing from this individual not realizing that after a while, you don’t enjoy it, and maybe you never did, yet you still need it. The moments of comfort and bliss are fleeting. A feeling of emptiness prevails. It causes agonizing pain for you. You may feel as if you are in bondage because you are. At times, you can’t stand up for yourself because you are somehow at a disadvantage, at the mercy of your obsession.

Nine Inch Nails: The Perfect Drug (1997) from Nine Inch Nails on Vimeo.

This unhealthy connection can exist in friendships as well or in relationships with family members.

It helps to determine what the addiction is for you in this case. What is the payoff? What is the issue that has made you so vulnerable?

Love is good, but to feel comfortable loving and receiving love in return, we must know we deserve it. We must know we are worthy. Getting to that place opens another door in the journey of our recovery from past trauma and emotional abuse. Beyond it, more beauty awaits, and more joy.

9 Warning Signs That You Are In A Dangerous Relationship

What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways to Be Good to Yourself

AN OPEN LETTER TO YOUR INNER CHILD BY ALISON NAPI

May 11, 2015May 11, 2015 D.K. SanzLeave a comment

2b6c139b3f1567f5923d6f1ab3544af0 I am often in awe of beautiful things shared from the heart. This “love letter”, by Alison Napi, appeared on Rebelle Society, one of my favorite sites. It speaks to many of us, regardless of what we may believe about miracles and God. It’s worth sharing over and over. Enjoy.

An Open Letter to Your Inner Child
by Alison Napi

To the child who couldn’t understand
why nobody could understand.
To the one whose hand was never taken,
whose eyes were never gazed into by
an adult who said,
“I love you.
You are a miracle.
You are holy,
right now and
forever.”

To the one who grew up in the realm of “can’t.”
To you who lived “never enough.”
To the one who came home to no one there, and
there but not home.

To the one who could never understand why
she was being hit
by hands, words, ignorance.

To the one whose innocence was unceremoniously stolen.
To the one who fought back.
To the one who shattered.
To the never not broken one.
To the child who survived.

To the one who was told she was
sinful, bad, ugly.

To the one who didn’t fit.
To she who bucked authority
and challenged the status quo.

To the one who called out
the big people for
lying, hiding and cruelty.

To the one who never stopped loving anyway.

To the child that was forbidden to need.

To the ones whose dreams were crushed
by adults whose dreams were crushed.

To the one whose only friend
was the bursting, budding forest.
To the ones who prayed to the moon,
who sang to the stars
in the secrecy of the night
to keep the darkness at bay.

To the child who saw God
in the bursting sunshine of
dandelion heads
and the whispering
clover leaf.

To the child of light who cannot die,
even when she’s choking
in seven seas of darkness.

To the one love
I am and you are.

You are holy.
I love you.
You are a miracle.
Your life,
your feelings,
your hopes and dreams–
they matter.

Somebody failed you but you will not fail.
Somebody looked in your eyes and saw the sun — blazing — and got scared.
Somebody broke your heart but your love remains perfect.
Somebody lost their dreams and thought you should too,
but you mustn’t.

Somebody told you
that you weren’t
enough
or too much,
but you are
without question
the most perfect
and holy creation of
God’s
own
hands.

*****
{You Are Loved}

from: An Open Love Letter to Your Inner Child on Rebelle Society

i-have-survived

SHADOWS OF MY SOUL

May 3, 2015January 3, 2018 D.K. Sanz2 Comments

This poem appears in my first book, “A Dark Rose Blooms.”

SHADOWS OF MY SOUL

Feature photo by Sebastian Unrau @sebastian_unrau

HAPPY FALL

September 26, 2014December 24, 2014 D.K. Sanz4 Comments

Ode to Autumn
by John Keats

Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness,
Close bosom-friend of the maturing sun;
Conspiring with him how to load and bless
With fruit the vines that round the thatch-eaves run;
To bend with apples the moss’d cottage-trees,
And fill all fruit with ripeness to the core;
To swell the gourd, and plump the hazel shells
With a sweet kernel; to set budding more,
And still more, later flowers for the bees,
Until they think warm days will never cease,
For Summer has o’er-brimm’d their clammy cells.

Who hath not seen thee oft amid thy store?
Sometimes whoever seeks abroad may find
Thee sitting careless on a granary floor,
Thy hair soft-lifted by the winnowing wind;
Or on a half-reap’d furrow sound asleep,
Drows’d with the fume of poppies, while thy hook
Spares the next swath and all its twinéd flowers:
And sometimes like a gleaner thou dost keep
Steady thy laden head across a brook;
Or by a cyder-press, with patient look,
Thou watchest the last oozings hours by hours.

Where are the songs of Spring? Ay, where are they?
Think not of them, thou hast thy music too,—
While barréd clouds bloom the soft-dying day,
And touch the stubble-plains with rosy hue;
Then in a wailful choir the small gnats mourn
Among the river sallows, borne aloft
Or sinking as the light wind lives or dies;
And full-grown lambs loud bleat from hilly bourn;
Hedge-crickets sing; and now with treble soft
The red-breast whistles from a garden-croft;
And gathering swallows twitter in the skies.

John Keats is one of my favorite poets and for most of my life, fall was my favorite season.

I grow more resistant to the dark evenings of fall as I get older and more inclined to embrace the endless light of summer. However, autumn would not be the same with infinite light and glorious sun, would it? It is a cozy time of cool breezes, warm fires, and precious memories. The darkness, while haunting and a bit unsettling, has its mesmeric beauty.

The video below shows the splendor of fall with audio of Eva Cassidy’s spellbinding voice in ‘Falling Leaves’, a song about autumn and loss. For me, it is bittersweet. My husband died young on a summer day. I can relate to this sentiment—saying goodbye to two seasons. As I parted with a season of light, I parted, too, with a season of love. It is the end of a time and a necessary rebirth, yes bittersweet but beautiful.

Happy Fall!

PASSIONS AND DREAMS

August 24, 2014August 26, 2014 D.K. Sanz6 Comments

My nephew, Christopher, was about six when he gazed out the window in the backseat of the car and said, “I’m just afraid I will run out of things to draw.”

He began at an early age, sketching and drawing – leaving people in awe of his talent. Every year his mom helped him put together a calendar featuring his artwork.

You can see brilliance in his eyes when he talks to you, especially about art. When I ask him if he can do a certain thing, the answer is, “Of course, I can!” He is chock full of confidence.

It is not hard to believe in someone like him. He is, above all, kind, caring and a sensitive soul. We not only believe in him, we celebrate him. He touches our hearts and remains such a light in a dark world.

I feel the same way about my own son who was educating strangers about Jupiter’s moons in the first grade. They are two people who came into the world with their own gifts and talents, giving you a clear sense of who they were from the start. I can attest to this much: when you know, from childhood, what you are and what you love, you cannot imagine any other life. I feel strongly, people must allow you to be the person you are, not the vision of you and your future they have in mind.

It is easy to recognize the apathy and pain of someone who never lived their dream, someone left to wonder what the outcome might have been had they followed their heart. You see glimpses of their fire, traces of the light gone from their eyes. They had their spirits crushed, their voices silenced, their true selves obliterated.

Children need to hold on to their natural confidence and infectious enthusiasm, along with the ability to trust their instincts. My heart tells me, we need to not only believe in them, but also show them how much we do.

Perhaps this is one reason experiencing an incredible contribution to the arts – everything from singing and drawing to dancing – can move me to tears. I realize people make incredible achievements every single day, ones I don’t see. They may not have an audience or applause, but their achievements are no less important. Seeing people get out there, however, doing the thing they love most and nailing it speaks to the person inside many of us that says, I want to do what I love as fearlessly as that. I want to celebrate that fearless moment where I succeed in reaching the hearts of others, where we all participate and share the passion and joy. My heart sings in contentment. It is one of life’s beautiful and most cherished experiences.

For me, it is.

In these moments, I don’t think about the harrowing destruction of our world or the harrowing destruction of humanity. It is a brief lull, because I don’t want to ignore that – all the suffering, all the pain, all the hatred. It has affected me profoundly since childhood, and while I search my heart for solutions, I can only counteract with love and a message of oneness. I believe we all can in some way, especially if we have a voice or means of communicating our passion and love to the world. It is one small contribution of many, until we can do better.

Those of us who have made it thus far with our dreams intact are eternally grateful. Whatever the passion – no matter what happens in life, it is there, and it saves you. It just might save others, too.