A recovery friend of mine once belonged to an AA group called “What’s Your Motivation?” She said she’d always ask herself that in situations where she had to say or do something she might regret, and she’d ask others as well. She asked me that once or twice. So, you start out by asking yourself that question when the situation arises, and a lot of time you realize there is no good motive behind the thing you want to do or say, so you don’t say it. You don’t do it. After a while, it becomes second nature.
Unfortunately, however, so many people out there are living their lives while untreated for their afflictions. Whether it’s addiction, including alcoholism, or a type of personality disorder, their behavior often stems from how they feel about themselves based on other people’s words and actions, things they had inadvertently taken on and clung to fiercely. They may have a desperate need for attention, validation, admiration, and respect. Maybe their delusions distort their perception of themselves and how others view them. They are so busy worrying about themselves that they are often oblivious to their motives and may not realize how little regard they have for others. In a genuine sense, they are fighting for themselves, but they’re not winning.
Many of us have lived that way once upon a time and, because of it, spent a copious amount of energy on damage control. Knowing we said something we shouldn’t have said or did something we shouldn’t have done and going into this anxiety-ridden desperation to save our “image”—an image that likely isn’t real but a delusion. When we should be more concerned about apologizing or making amends, we’re more obsessed with not wanting to be seen in a negative light and having to act in order to change the negative perception.
It takes recovery, healing, and time to learn that if you are intent on doing the right thing, doing right by people, and having everyone’s best interests at heart, you’ll know how to react and respond to things. And if you ever say or do something you regret, you simply say you were wrong and apologize.
Empathy for others and for ourselves is what makes it possible. It makes us care about how we treat people and the effect it’s having on not only them but on our lives and the lives of anyone who cares about us. We eventually understand that how we treat people is just as important as catering to our own needs.
I think it’s important to understand what made us a certain way in life and to acknowledge that, but then we have to fix it. It becomes our job and responsibility to heal that so that we grow and change. Too many people never get to a point where they can see it, let alone understand it, so those of us who do are quite fortunate.
“Nobody can say anything about you. Whatsoever people say is about themselves. But you become very shaky, because you are still clinging to a false center. That false center depends on others, so you are always looking to what people are saying about you. And you are always following other people, you are always trying to satisfy them. You are always trying to be respectable; you are always trying to decorate your ego. This is suicidal. Rather than being disturbed by what others say, you should start looking inside yourself. Whenever you are self-conscious you are simply showing that you are not conscious of the self at all. You don’t know who you are. If you had known, then there would have been no problem— then you are not seeking opinions. Then you are not worried what others say about you— it is irrelevant! When you are self-conscious you are in trouble. When you are self-conscious you are really showing symptoms that you don’t know who you are. Your very self-consciousness indicates that you have not come home yet.” ― Osho
Every 68 seconds an American is sexually assaulted.
1 in 5 women experience completed or attempted rape in their lifetime.
Nearly a quarter (24.8%) of men in the U.S. experienced some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime.
As an awareness advocate for trauma healing and recovery, I tend to talk about rape more than I’d like to. It’s challenging because some people are tired of hearing and reading about it, but the problem is many more are tired of experiencing it and witnessing the backlash of the accused and their supporters.
There is a massive disconnect in the sense that many people are so afraid of accusations that they can’t properly empathize with victims. Of course, when people in positions of power insist that they themselves are victims (of coordinated malicious reporting effected by government operatives and gold-diggers), there is an escalation of fear and a diminishment of empathy.
The reality is most people have never had a scandal attached to their name. Maybe it’s because most of us properly teach and caution our boys as we teach and caution our girls. And, no, it’s not always the parents’ fault how a child turns out, but proper parenting is one way we can certainly help.
Throughout life, I’ve witnessed some parents ignoring or encouraging predatory behavior. Some are so afraid their child won’t be “normal” by their standards that they start early pressuring them to objectify women or are encouraged by their objectification of women, thinking, “Atta boy.”
As far as the backlash against survivors, some questions and comments surface repeatedly as if the culprits aren’t listening.
Let’s start with this one:
“He’s a good-looking guy and/or he’s rich. He can have any woman he wants, so why would he do that?”
Well, first, I can assure you, whoever it is you’re talking about cannot get anyone he wants. You know that saying, “One man’s treasure is another man’s trash?” How about “Different strokes for different folks” or “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder?”
A man who has many women drooling may repulse many others, and usually, it has to do with behavior. Everyone hears the word no, and the more aggressive someone is in pursuit of others, the more often they will be told no.
For their ego’s sake, many predators want to believe they can have whomever they want. And that monumental ego can’t handle rejection.
More importantly, it’s not just about getting laid for these predators. It’s about conquest and power. Some of these guys live to humiliate others or, at least, women. They may act like the playboy and project this image of loving women when a part of them truly hates women for every rejection they’ve ever experienced, including their own mother’s. And the same is true for many people who rush to defend the perpetrators and in the same breath, malign the whistle blowers. I don’t think you can say you like or love women when you dismiss their pain and suffering so readily.
Following articles about rape, I see comments like “Conniving women strike again.”
They’ll remind us that a person is innocent until proven guilty, and despite overwhelming evidence, they’ll continue to say it. At the same time, they will assassinate the character of a woman reporting a sex crime by perpetuating unfounded allegations that she is a liar, a gold-digger, or part of a conspiracy.
Someone said recently that life is dull these days with all the considerations and correct measures taken to protect the work environment. “People are so needy now,” another responded.
So, for people of this mindset, life is dull when they can’t humiliate people or make them uncomfortable—when they can’t abuse anyone. Sadly, it’s not even that they can’t because they do. They want to be able to do it without any pushback or repercussions, as if the rights of the culprit are the only rights that matter.
To state the obvious, rules, training, and safety measures concerning work conduct exist to provide everyone with a safe and productive work environment. Without this oversight, abuse runs rampant.
What the hell kind of life do some people have when it’s no longer fun because they can’t be abusive?
Obviously, we have to teach our kids that they don’t need to oppress people to have fun in life.
Here’s another frequent question:
“Why wasn’t it reported? Why didn’t the person go to the police?”
Rape is the most underreported crime there is. The majority of victims never report it.
Many people are unaware of rape trauma syndrome.
In the acute phase of rape trauma syndrome, victims are in shock, still experiencing fear and disbelief. A rape survivor can remain in that phase anywhere from days to weeks. After that, they enter a stage where they’re trying to get on with their lives while continuing to suffer. They are likely still afraid, anxious, and even depressed. They’re not back to normal despite trying to be.
In the final long-term reorganization phase, long-standing issues of self-esteem and fear continue to surface. Survivors continue to think about it, sometimes to the point of obsession, and they still may not be ready to talk about it.
Because not everyone responds the same way, people don’t realize that many survivors go through a very long period of emotional instability while experiencing extreme anxiety and fear. They feel everything from guilt and shame to humiliation and disgust. They can be in an obsessive hypervigilant stage for a very long time.
So, if people don’t seem to act rationally after experiencing rape, that might explain it.
People often do not think about justice when something like this happens to them. Some go into denial and don’t deal with it for years and years if they ever deal with it. Trauma shatters you. It breaks you. It takes time to put the pieces together and heal.
Getting evidence and proving your case beyond a shadow of a doubt at this point is almost futile, and the attorneys for the defense will do everything in their power to discredit an already traumatized person.
The next question is always:
“Why did they go to the media instead?”
When most survivors finally reach a point where they need or want to share what happened to help themselves or others, the statute of limitations has likely expired. Going to the police at that point would be useless. If they can get media attention, their story can prompt an investigation or other victims to come forward. This path can lead to justice or, at least, an end to the abusive behavior. They don’t get compensated monetarily for that. They don’t even necessarily get justice for themselves, but they may save someone else from the same trauma.
I’ve said this before, but it would help so much if we were all on the same side. Then, instead of just protecting other women or just protecting men, we can protect each other. As global citizens, we all have the responsibility to do everything we can to end the violence. It’s time.
D.K. Sanz 