Tag: tragedy

JUST MY THOUGHTS ABOUT RECENT NEWS

D.K. Sanz2 Comments

The recent backlash over the Titan submersive disaster still unnerves me, so I needed to organize some thoughts.

Aside from the mocking memes and jokes, people were chastised for having any empathy for the victims because they were rich and chose to do this dangerous thing, spending $250,000 for the privilege. They could have helped all the starving people, many said. Facebook posters expressed, in no uncertain terms, that rich people were evil and didn’t care about others, and they only got where they’d gotten by harming and exploiting others.

It was the same during the pandemic. Some gloated whenever the stock market plunged, like, “Haha, the rich people.” It didn’t seem to matter to them that the stock market and the economy impact each other. It affects everyone. It didn’t seem to occur to them either that not everyone who owns stock is wealthy or even close. A lot of people who have worked all their lives invest in their eventual retirement.

I have to say, it doesn’t matter to me who is on the receiving end of tragedy—I hate to see any living being suffering. There’s not a person I can think of who has been harmful to me in my life that I want to see suffer. It’s just the way I’ve always been.

Take politics, for example—I want the crimes of politicians investigated, the same as I’d want any other crimes investigated. It doesn’t matter what party they belong to or their socioeconomic status or race or sexual preference or ethnicity, or religion. I want justice, but it doesn’t mean I enjoy seeing people suffer the consequences of their actions.

What I would enjoy is people not taking advantage, not committing crimes thinking they are above the law, and learning from their mistakes. That’s what I would enjoy.

I remember a story I heard years ago from a Rikers Island corrections officer here in New York. It was about what inmates did to a convicted rapist. Rapists are very low on my list for compassion, as anyone who knows me will tell you, but what this officer described to me, what they did to that guy, was hard to hear, hard to stomach, and it didn’t give me any pleasure. I’m glad the guy was incarcerated for his crimes so that he couldn’t harm anyone else, but I don’t get pleasure from his additional suffering.

It’s not in me.

People have said, “Well, what if it was so and so on the Titan sub?” I’ll skip the name, but no, it gives me no pleasure.

I can understand the anger people feel, though. The disparity of wealth angers me, too. People are struggling, more and more of them losing jobs and finding themselves homeless, while many wealthy people don’t even pay their taxes. Senator Bernie Sanders said in his March 29, 2021, op-ed, “Over the past 40 years, there has been a massive transfer of wealth from the middle class and working families to the very wealthiest people in America. The United States cannot prosper and remain a vigorous democracy when so few have so much and so many have so little.”

No one should take advantage of any system to exploit or oppress others. And because we always see that happening, it’s easy for people to be wary and think that anyone who has success would likely take advantage as well. One person suggested that the collective trauma of this reality is what sets people off to being callous themselves. “Maybe it’s a coping mechanism,” he said. “Maybe it helps.”

Yeah, if people are taking advantage of the system, that’s not okay. But don’t assume that they are.

Sure, you’ll find rich people who are cruel. But there are callous people in every walk of life, people who take advantage of others, hurt and destroy others, all walks of life. You don’t need to be rich to do that, and you don’t have to do that if you’re rich.

As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, it takes all kinds. I used to think if someone was in recovery, they had to have become a good person in the process, right? A wise person assured me that some of them are awesome people. Some are truly unkind. And there’s everything in between. No matter what group you’re talking about, it takes all kinds.

Everyone wants to live the American dream, and many people work hard to achieve that. Aside from whatever else they do, many have spent billions to combat disease and improve healthcare worldwide. Some fight for gun safety, urban development, and other charitable foundations. They fund criminal justice reform, immigration reform, healthcare, and housing. A number of them, along with many big-name actors, are devoted to human rights issues and are making a difference across the globe. Some have spent millions on environmental causes and conservation. Big stars in the music industry have also donated millions to charity.

And yet, some people will say they’re just doing for clout or some other selfish purpose with no evidence of these claims. So, they are damned if they do, damned if they don’t. I still say you can’t assume what a person is doing or has done or will do and why. Many people donating, helping, and advocating are passionate about those causes.

Those who make dangerous voyages and are willing to spend a fortune to do it are also passionate about their causes. The ocean is this planet’s largest ecosystem, and we’re constantly learning more about it thanks to scientists and explorers.

The Brooklyn CUNY website states, “Because they are often driven by their curiosity about how our world functions, scientists are in the unique position to create new knowledge, and that leads them to develop new technologies.” So, yeah, scientific research is essential. Anyone concerned about climate change should know that the deep sea is a significant factor. 

So, I’m glad certain people have the curiosity and passion to explore. We need people like that. Maybe that’s why they are fearless. I know that when you are passionate about what you do, you will do it no matter what. That’s how I feel about writing. No matter what happens or doesn’t happen, I’ll never not do it. I can’t. So, I, and many others, can relate to people with passions and dreams.

As for the collective trauma, I realize that I have my own trauma responses to:

  1. Prejudice
  2. Character assassination
  3. Assumptions
  4. Not being given the benefit of the doubt

Some of the reactions I witnessed during the backlash reminded me that I don’t like anyone telling me how to feel or what to do in situations where people dispensing the advice don’t have all the facts, don’t really know how I feel or why, and, therefore, have no idea what they’re talking about. It’s consistent with their one-size-fits-all mentality. They’re quick to label you and put you into a category. They mock your viewpoint and minimalize the situation.

It’s what certain individuals do to people in marginalized groups, and I’m against it across the board. Look at all people as individuals rather than lump them into stereotypes.

If you need to make fun of tragedies that befall the perceived enemy, and that helps, you do you. But then let me be me because I don’t have the stomach for it. I just don’t.

Under sea image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

Red and blue masks image by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay

Heart, stars, love image by emmagrau from Pixabay

Little girl and heart image by Veronica Colombo from Pixabay

HAPPY SURVIVAL: THE TRUTH ABOUT LIFE AFTER TRAUMA

D.K. Sanz4 Comments

People run from life in many ways. We can want a hug so desperately and yet recoil from it. We can crave love more than anything and build fortresses to keep it away. There’s this idea that the more bridges we burn, the harder it will be to go back to the things that caused us pain. Sometimes, that is true, but, at the same time, we keep looking for that place where we belong, and, in some situations, trying almost too hard to fit in, until we accept, with a great deal of shame, that we need to move on. Reaching out to people is overwhelming and terrifying, but we try it, and when we feel unheard, we vanish again. So many goodbyes––until we don’t want to do the relationship thing anymore or the intimacy thing or ask anyone for help or love or whatever the hell we need. Intimacy doesn’t seem worth any of that, and we lose interest. We shut down, close our doors for business, and thrive in our safe, predictable worlds.

We wonder if we are crazy, but people tell us only sane people question their sanity. Sometimes we think we’re monsters, but we come to learn that monsters feel no guilt, no shame, and no love. We do love, from a distance and we absorb the world’s pain.

In my twenties and beyond, I kept changing my name, my hair color, my address, my phone number, my job–you name it. It was as if I couldn’t run fast enough, couldn’t hide in a safe enough place. Without realizing it, I was running away from the trauma of childhood and teen years.

At some point in the healing process, something tells you that you don’t need to hide anymore. You don’t need to run, so you try not to. What’s unsettling is how far you can come in your healing and still get thrown back there in a heartbeat.

Progress can seem slow, but it keeps happening. I’m not a patient person, but I’ve learned to be patient about healing. I’ve had to, and I love healing because I’ve reaped its rewards. Often, I look back and ask myself, “How did I survive, being such an idiot for most of my life?” That may seem harsh, but in light of how far I’ve come, it makes sense. We can’t fix what we don’t know is broken. We can’t benefit from learning the truth about ourselves until we feel safe in rejecting the lies.

As survivors, we want this healing for everyone while needing to learn, too, that people are only ready when they’re ready. And it’s painful when we love people who need desperately to heal but remain trapped in their fear. Sometimes we wish we could absorb every bit of their agony; even it means holding on to all of it ourselves because we know we can handle it. We have.

We can’t get stuck in that inability to forgive either. It’s understandable because we witness so much unnecessary cruelty toward ourselves and others, and we don’t know what to do with that. For instance, how do you come to terms with the fact that someone willfully tried to destroy another person, or that person’s reputation, or his or her life, that they did everything in their power to annihilate another human being?

What I realized, quite a long time ago, is that revenge and punishment are not up to me. Divine retribution happens without the least bit of my help—no matter how we interpret divinity and even if we are divinity in the sense that we represent it in the universe. It works that way because we can’t destroy people without destroying ourselves. If it’s destruction we want, it’s destruction we’ll get, and it’s never one-sided.

A better solution is to keep following our path and goals and  let go of the burdens people give us to hold. The weight comes from feelings of not belonging or being worthy and accepted as we are. It comes from others mischaracterizing us or our actions to suit their agendas and punishing us for not being who they need us to be, not wanting what they require us to want.

We have to find our own happily ever after. It’s undoubtedly not the same for everyone, and that’s another place we can get stuck—wanting what we don’t have and realizing it’s not even what we want but what we think we’re supposed to want and have. Most people want to find that special someone, get that dream house and job. From the time I was eight years old, what I wanted was different—maybe, in some ways, the opposite of what everyone else wanted. It took me a while to realize that I have everything I’d ever wanted or needed in my life and, while I may have moments of feeling sad for another or sad for the world, I am happy.

One thing I’ve always known is to never give up. It does get better, a little at a time, but it gets so much better. Our survival not only gives hope to others but sharing our experiences allows us to help in their healing. We help each other, yes, and we give each other the love that’s been so hard for us to ask for or accept.

I’m not a religious type, but the prayer below has always been my favorite. It can certainly get you through it. ❤️

Copyright © Kyrian Lyndon November 2018

Feature photo credit: unsplash-logoSaffu