Every time I see nonsensical comments on a post about harassment of women, I’m here shaking my head. One particular woman in a video clip said she made a practice of handling harassment with grace, not taking compliments as an insult. She preferred to stroke someone’s ego so as not to offend them while she politely declined. The responses were, “Now that’s a lady!” “You can’t be nice to a woman these days without her taking it as an insult and going all ‘Me Too’ on you. No wonder guys are confused!” “Here’s someone who can handle herself, unlike some of these feminists.”
It’s especially upsetting now while we’re headed backwards after the many gains and the level of respect we achieved.
None of us knows what every woman has gone through in life. Or any man for that matter, but for men who’ve experienced harassment, this is for you as well. And I highly doubt this lovely lady who handles compliments with grace would disagree with anything I’m going to say next.
It’s painfully obvious to me that dichotomous thinking will continue to keep many of us light years apart. The matter of harassment does not have a one size fits all solution. The answer is not one extreme or the other. We need context.
I realize there are people who act horribly when someone innocently compliments them or tries to flirt with them, even in a bar where most people expect that. Women responding with “Ew,” a look of disgust or a scowl is harsh. I get it. I like to think most people wouldn’t do that unless the culprit said or did something vile.
But just to throw out some comparisons, I can honestly say that anyone telling me I was beautiful did not insult me unless they were assaulting or raping me. It is also not the same as when, in the middle of the workplace, a woman walks by, and a man stops dead in his tracks and says, loud enough for everyone to hear, “Damn, you’ve got a great body!” Or leaning in to tell her how delectably well-endowed she is while trying to get a peek down her blouse. It’s sure not the same as someone coming up to you on the street and grabbing your breasts or your ass.
Humiliating, degrading, frightening, and deceiving a person is not flattering. That’s why stalking, catcalling, and love bombing is neither innocent nor flattering.
Another variable is where someone draws the line. There are women who like all of it, women who don’t like any of it, and everything in between. That may sound complicated, but it’s simple. Problems arise mostly when the aggressor disregards boundaries. That’s the key word—boundaries. Respecting them. When someone doesn’t respect them, it’s harassment. If someone is sending mixed signals, a noncombative conversation might help. If someone seems to enjoy man handling or playing cat and mouse, and all is consensual, no problem.
“Those who get angry when you set a boundary are the ones you need to set boundaries for.”– J.S. Wolfe, The Pathology of Innocence
Men have smiled at me and said hello on the street. I smiled and said hello back. Men have hugged me when I didn’t feel it was appropriate. Once or twice, at an office party, I chalked it up to, he’s drunk, etc. or what not, and slipped away. Most of us are not unreasonable and, if anything, are probably too quick to be kind.
What some people don’t understand is, a compliment is a compliment until it isn’t. Until it goes beyond the part you are okay with. So many men and women out there get it; I know. It’s just that the ones who don’t are dangerous. And it’s tragically sad, all of it, when the only thing required to fix this is empathy. Yes, empathy—something many people who think they are of good moral standing suddenly despise.
“Creating an atmosphere of mutual respect and consideration for boundaries, can lead you to the path of personal happiness.”– Nancy B. Urbach
D.K. Sanz 