Think before you say anything.
Practice restraint.
Don’t take the bait.
Don’t help create this abominable mess.
Maybe even, don’t engage.
Don’t participate in the drama.
We’ve heard all these things or some variations thereof. They are true because when we make a mess of things, drama comes next, and most of us want to live drama free. So, these suggestions would fall under the banner of sage advice, and perhaps the category of easier said than done. There’s a difference, too, between knowing what to do and why it’s good advice.
Keeping drama and toxicity away requires effort, as much of it arises from conflict, which is often the result of a misunderstanding. As conflicts arise, some people feel they must tell someone off, get the last word, save face, protect their pride, get even, feel some satisfaction, etc. That’s where their agenda ends.
Like a lot of people, I’ve struggled with giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. It’s easy to jump to conclusions, assign the worst possible motive to the person we’re at odds with, assuming the worst about that person when maybe we don’t know what’s really going on. In fact, there was a time when people had to warn other people about me. “Don’t argue with her. She’ll hurt you. She’ll annihilate you.” I once saw an anonymous quote that said. “The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Run.” That was me. Today, I don’t know if it’s still in me to rip into someone the way I did then. What I do know is even if I feel that someone deserves it, I no longer have a desire to do that.
It can be torturous when we’re navigating waters of uncertainty. In not knowing what to do, we’re not consistent. We may go from being so understanding one minute to not understanding at all in the next. We’re warm then cold, engaged then detached. Then, tiptoeing around someone’s insecurity or feelings is bound to result in a resentment on one or both sides. Maybe we’re fumbling around trying to dismiss or lower expectations. The truth is, it’s far too easy for us to misinterpret one another, and, too often, people won’t ask if their interpretation of what you said or did is correct. Assumptions will be made, and we all know how that ends. My point is, there are all kinds of things going on, and it’s all rather uncomfortable.
It’s true what they say though. Growth begins at the end of your comfort zone. If you don’t know, ask, even if you’re afraid of the answer.
So, for what it’s worth, here are some of the things I’ve learned.
Being aware of our tendencies is part of the solution to de-escalate, to prevent the other person from misunderstanding. I can be intense and very direct. People are not always prepared for that. If I don’t trust what I want to say to someone in a potential conflict, I talk to a person whose judgment and decision making I trust. I have a friend I admire for the way he deals with people. He’ll read my emails before I send them if I ask him to. He navigates sticky situations with logic, common sense, and empathy. Of course I can do that myself sometimes, but it’s good to recognize when you need a little help being objective.
In the mean time, when you’re not sure what to say or do, and time permits, do nothing. Say nothing. For now. Breathe. I had a friend call me once, in a panic, agonizing about one of the most important decisions of her life, as if she had no choice but to figure it all out that very moment. I said, “The good thing is you don’t have to decide anything right now. You have time.” In her frantic state, that hadn’t even occurred to her. She was immediately relieved. And it all worked out. A perceived sense of urgency can sometimes trick us into responding off the cuff. Even if you don’t have the luxury of unlimited time, remain calm and think things through.
The most important thing I’ve learned (am still learning, as a matter of fact) is that arguing, debating, negotiating, etc. in bad faith is one of our biggest problems in this world. Good faith is a sincere intention to be fair, respectful, open, and honest. There isn’t a sole agenda to simply win. You go into it wanting to listen, wanting to understand.
In my early twenties, I was working at a job where I’d been given additional responsibility. The guy I worked for allowed me to train for IT work—to train users, give demonstrations, troubleshoot computer issues, establish things we never had before and so on. Then a woman joined our team, a VIP. She was pressing me to do the other stuff, wanting me to be at her beck and call. When she became upset and summoned me to resolve the issue, I said, “Fine. I won’t do the IT stuff.” Her answer was, “That’s not a solution because you love doing that. I don’t want to take that away from you. What we want here is a win/win. It’s not going to work if I am the only one who wins, so, I will adjust my demands to fit the situation. We will figure it out together.”
“Grace is not weakness but resolve.” — Sandro Gal
Simply punishing your challenger doesn’t resolve much and, in my opinion, isn’t necessary. People will keep doing what they do, and I’ve witnessed time and time again, how they spiral when karma catches up with them. That’s going to happen without your help. That, in itself, may be satisfying to some, but it’s sad to me. If something needs to be straightened out, hopefully it’s in a civilized manner where two people care about each other, so they are listening to each other. If someone doesn’t care about you and doesn’t want to listen to you, they’re not interested in resolving anything. I don’t see the point in that kind of confrontation. I’d rather go whichever way they’re not going, learn the lesson, and cut my losses.
I love people who are willing to communicate, people who are not willing to lose you and so will have the confrontation. That tells me I’m worth the discomfort. That’s not an easy thing, and that’s why I’m writing this post. The key is, we don’t need to go through life as combative dragons. We can learn. We keep learning. Of course, I’m not suggesting this applies to every situation in life. However, I am suggesting that we can learn by listening to each other, in good faith, with empathy, and give each other, when possible, the benefit of the doubt. That leads to us becoming self-aware, questioning our motivation, even when we’re about to post something on social media. We can watch out for any desperate need we have to control something where we have no control and identify when resentments will lead to vindictiveness. In the process, we can develop increasing understanding and capacity for forgiveness. Through all this, some people will see you; some won’t. But that doesn’t matter.
“I don’t seek discomfort. I just find it everywhere I go.” — Anonymous
Featured image at the top by Jill Wellington from Pixabay
D.K. Sanz 